Controlled Chaos

Have you ever just stopped and thought about words?  Their meanings and where they originated?  I have.  There are many words that leave me questioning their conception.  As an example, consider the “oxymoron.”  Here are just a few that leave me scratching my head: amicable divorce; divided unity; genuine imitation; extreme pacifist; civil war; liquid gas; constant variable; boneless ribs; honest thief; jumbo shrimp; and random order.

Words.  To some, they mean everything.  To some, they mean nothing. Words are the greatest form of communication and can bring life or death to ones soul.  For ages, people have used words to express their thoughts, their rage, their ideologies, their love, their intelligence, and their ignorance.  If there is one thing in my lifetime that I have come to know as complete truth is this…words that are spoken, cannot be taken back, just as much as those words that are left unspoken.

I love to read, not just about anything mind you, but of things that will 1) bring me closer to Christ; 2) educate me regarding Christ, in both past and future; and 3) things that will improve mine and my family’s health and wellbeing.  I have an inner desire and passion to share the things that I learn with others, as well as the things that I know God has placed on my heart to share.  My best modality for doing so is through my writings.  But to my demise and detriment, I don’t always get it right.  Just ask my husband.  Not that he could vindicate anything I’ve ever blogged about because he refuses to read my blog, which I am now content in that truth.  But through my expression of words, when I try to elaborate on something that is important to me and that I’d like for him to understand my viewpoint on, I sometimes miss the mark.  Tank and bomb are more like it.

The breakdown comes through my desire for breakthrough.  My zeal and enthusiasm are received as indifference and abhorrence due to prideful behaviors and concern over being manipulated.  I completely admit it.  I’m guilty of wanting so badly for someone to understand, affirm and confirm me, and it’s difficult for me to control the desire I have for verbalizing the depths of my passion.  It then leads to misunderstanding, misinterpretation and overwhelming chaos.  Communication breakdown, disrespect, arrogance and condemnation erode the heart, and stifles growth.   Words are important.

Through my husband’s expressions, I’ve learned that my words sometimes negate my passions.  My words, when combating on the battlefield of indignation, don’t always line up with my devout endeavors.  And my words can cause someone to stumble, retract and completely shut the door on growing in and toward Christ.  I’ve been called a hypocrite, a dictator and one that holds no credibility.

Words are hurtful, and healing.  Words are weapons, and medicinal.  Words build communication, and obliterate trust. Words are important.

Ever have a “light bulb” moment?  Clarity at its finest?  I love it when that happens, especially when it causes me to grow spiritually.  Let me just state for the record, I am a sinner.  I have been all my life.  I will also die a sinner.  I fail daily in my flesh, even though I strive to be Christ-like.  I am not perfect, nor do I have the answers to all things…not even most things.  But this I do know, I seek Christ daily, He is my goal, my reason I am alive today, and the reason that I breathe.  I also know that He placed the desires and passions that I have within me, and gave me spiritual gifts to share with the world.  He has done the same for each and every soul.  It is in my flesh that I have failed Him, by not allowing His word to speak through me as He would speak, and respond to others as He would when in opposition.  I was shown that I became so focused on other’s relationships with Christ that I have failed to nurture and cultivate my own with Him.  I wanted so desperately for others to know Him, trust in Him, confide in Him, and have an intimate relationship with Him, that I accomplished just the opposite.  I spent valuable time away from doing what I know God has called me to do…to be with Him, trust in Him, be in His word daily, and allow Him to have all control of ALL things…and people in my life.

God reminded me, I am not responsible for anyone but myself.  No actions or inactions on the part of anyone else will I ever be held accountable.  Free will is just that, and it will either make you or break you – not only in this life, but also your choices in this life for the one to come.  I am not liable for the choices of others through their own free will, nor can I change the desires of their free will.  I have no control over what comes out of their mouths, or what consumes their hearts.  I do not have to answer for their morals, their thoughts, their excuses or their justifications.  I will only answer for my own.

I can now say that I am grateful for this learning process, as it has brought me to this point in my life.  It hasn’t been easy, but God never said it would be.  I know that through the painstaking process of growth of my spirit, that it is being rooted and well established within me.  I know that through Christ’s leading in my life and the awareness that He has brought to me, I will be victorious.  And even when I slip up, stagger of completely fall flat on my face, He will be right there, extending His hand, helping me to rise up, and placing my feet right back on the solid Rock on which I stand.

Father God, May Your word always be upon my lips.  May the sword of the Spirit be forever in my grasp, as “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'” (Matthew 4:4)  Your word tells us that Christ did not answer on His own behalf, but quoted only Your word in response to all things.  He did not clamor about with idle chit-chat, and did not promote His own ideologies.  His views, His words and His responses were of the Father, not of His own, and that we are to do the same.  May my thoughts be Your thoughts, and Your response be my response, in all things.  Help me to remember when I’m ridiculed for quoting scripture in my responses, that I am to stand firm and know that I am honoring You and doing as You’ve called us to do. Open my eyes to see You clearly, and replace my heart with Your heart.  All glory, honor and fame to You and You alone.  In Christ’s mighty Name I pray. Amen.

Deanna Clardy – March 27, 2012

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About Deanna Clardy

Hi there! My name is Deanna. This space is for me and my thoughts. If you'd like to sit back and read a bit, feel free. I'd love to share my thoughts with you! Please feel free to leave a comment or like my blog! Blessings to you and yours!
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