He said…be still…obedient…silent.
It was my own personal S.O.S. being transmitted directly by God into my life. A distress signal indicating that a change in my life is crucial for growth, spiritual maturity and for a closer walk with God. It has taken me by complete shock, and months to finally figure it out, but it all makes sense to me now. I’ve come to accept and acknowledge this season of my life, as excruciating as it has all been. If what I’ve endured is what it had to take to get my attention – to have my S.O.S. answered, for me to become less and for Him to become greater – then I welcome it wholeheartedly into my life and I wouldn’t have had Him change a thing.
He said “Be Still.” It all started in June, 2012, when a cervical cancer that had been non-existent for fifteen years returned. Doctors didn’t have an answer as to why it decided to return, only that it had and surgery was needed. Questions were asked, plans set in motion, and surgery was concluded in August, 2012, being confident that all cancer was removed. A week into my healing process, I began feeling a sharp pain on the left side of my pelvic/groin region. I just assumed it was all part of the healing process from the laser surgery that removed the cancer. Another week went by and the pain persisted. Little by little, day by day, the pain greatly intensified and began to cause me to walk with a limp, and left my in tears throughout every day. I contacted the doctor who performed the surgery and questioned her as to if anything happened during the surgery that I should be aware of. She assured me that it was nothing that she had done, nor the affects from the surgery. My gait is drastically affected and the pain increased tenfold. I sought help from another doctor. This was the beginning of a myriad of doctors and specialists that would become prevalent in my life.
Fast forward a month and a slew of tests, MRI’s, x-rays, blood work, and all sorts of dyes and nuclear medicines flowing through my veins. On September 26, 2012 it was determined that I have a disease called Avascular Necrosis and it is killing off the bones of my joints, namely, my hip joints, and that my left hip was 70% dead and my right was 20-30% affected, and that a right total hip replacement was a likely possibility for my not-so-distant future. I was at an extreme risk just from walking as the hip could collapse at any moment. They placed me on crutches and advised me that I needed a complete left hip replacement immediately….at the age of 43. Devastation doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling. What a whirlwind, what a life-altering scenario that was playing out in my world. Heavenly Father….why?
The flood of questions that raced through my mind were endless and couldn’t be answered. All the testing concluded what it was, but not why it was. Multiple doctors, innumerable tests, specialists left scratching their heads as to the cause of the avascular necrosis. Speculation, but no definitive answer as to why. On November 21, 2012 I received a total left hip replacement and am now having to learn how to walk again, leaving behind my dream of being a runner and participating in marathons, and much less particular activities of day to day living. BUT GOD….
He said “Be Obedient.” During this healing process I haven’t had much of a choice in “being still.” Being still is just about the only thing I CAN do. I’ve also learned to be obedient in this “being still” season. I love being able to spend time with God, just talking. He has revealed so much to me that I know I never would have heard without this “being still” season of my life. It’s easy to miss His still small voice if you are living life to please others, filling the hours with meaningless tasks, not making time to be in His Word, and allowing the world’s bellows to mask His benevolence. I want to be obedient, Lord.
He said “Be Silent.” This was a hard lesson for me to learn. To be honest, I’m still learning it and I’m sure I will be for the rest of my life. I’ve had to pause, remove myself from the “normal” daily patterns, and people of my life and just be alone and sit in silence. I had to stop living in such a way to try to please others, and stop being, and feeling, like I had to be everything to everyone in my life. Regardless of how I tried, it was all in vain, as the more I tried to be what someone else needed me to be, I could never measure up because of their lack of what (Who) they needed in their life, and their complete denial of any responsibility or ownership of their actions. I’ve had to release all control to the One Who truly has dominion, and stop living with a false sense of security that is merely a facade of control. I had to start living my life for an audience of One, to allow His will in my life, and to stop trying to control things in my own strength. During my “silent” time, not only my own heart was revealed, but also the heart of others. True friends, true ties, humble and understanding hearts, as well as the truly selfish, self-centered, self-vindicating and prideful. In being silent, I allow Him to speak through me, and my soul will feed on His word.
I’ve pondered relentlessly as to why. Why now, why my hip, why this disease, why the blood transfusion while I was in the hospital? I feel like God has revealed to me the following:
“I have allowed all of this to come into your life because you have absolutely no control over it. The multitude of doctors can’t even tell you why. They can give you a what it is, but not a why it is, and there is also no stopping this disease…without Me. I have allowed this into your life because it gives you no other choice but to look to Me and trust in Me for your healing and restoration. Why did I choose the hip? Symbolism. The hip is the largest weight-bearing bone in the body. It is time that you gave Me all the weight and heavy loads that you have been carrying around with you for your entire life. Allow Me to carry you. Lay all of your weight-bearing burdens upon Me to handle. You have tried to carry them in your own strength for far too long. You ask Me why did you have to endure a blood transfusion during your stay at the hospital? My dear child, it was a symbolic reminder that you needed blood to save your life. But not just any blood…My blood. The saving blood of Christ to sustain your life, to nourish you to health, and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. The blood to take you from this life, into life everlasting. I am the Great Physician. Your disease, your handicap, all things that ail you, are not greater than I. You are made whole in and through Me. I will restore you in My perfect timing. I’ve heard your cries, I’ve caught every single tear you’ve ever shed, and I’ve responded to your S.O.S. I have, and will continue to be, right by your side, carrying you through the difficult times, the strength in your hip, and the blood that flows through your veins. Trust me in ALL things, not just some. Look to Me and My strength, not your own. For I know the plans for your life. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Remain in Me.”
Father God, I trust You. Not because I have to, but because of the love I have for You, the obedience I want to give You, and because I know that You are trustworthy and faithful. Thank You for carrying me through this season, and every season, of my life. I relinquish all control over to You into Your perfectly capable hands. You are my strength. All of my weight-bearing burdens, I place in Your hands. All control I give to You over my life. Thank You for staying and sitting with me during these healing days of silence. All these days, as I have been home healing, sitting alone and in silence, I have felt Your presence, and in Your presence I am made whole. Thank You for this season of my life, Father. If this is what it has taken to have me hear You, grow closer to You, to be obedient to You and have Your will in my life, I thank You for it, Lord, and I’d endure it all over again if that’s what it takes to praise You. I trust You, God. In Christ’s Name I pray, Amen.
Deanna Clardy, December 13, 2012